As it stands everyone knows of the heavily referenced “Man Card” that each man is supposedly born bearing, their life actions and social decisions/behavior then determine whether or not this birth rite is maintained or revoked. Essentially if a man is behaving in a way that is not readily acceptable by man standards his shit gets jacked.
Yup! He is no longer a man.
Well, in my daily life I encounter many situations in which I feel that there should be a similar ritual for the “fairer” of the sexes. I refer to it as the broad card. This idea came about one day while at work I heard a woman walking in her heels…now I use the term woman loosely because it sounded more like a T-Rex on the prowl wonkily sauntering around, not a woman walking. This turned into a tweet [btw I’m @she1la] and I had a back and forth on it with my beautiful friend [@MynameisJny] So obviously I am not the first person to think something like this should exist, I think most females just don’t want to police the broad card and therefore it does not catch on, I mean women on a whole really suck at calling one another out on their shit anyways they kind of prefer to talk about it with other women when the offending woman is nowhere near. Anyhow here are a few examples that I feel should cause a revocation of your broad card and a suspension of your right to be a woman:
1. Walking like a T-Rex in heels: I really would rather you be in flats if you’re going to walk like a rabid animal, it’s very manly and not feminine at all….and coming from me that must mean a lot. Heels are not to be worn by all and when you do wear them you should do so with decorum and pride…not slosh around…ugh mental images are pissing me off.
2. Camel Toe: Yeah this was pointed out by my lovely friend and I really cannot deny that this should cause a revocation of your human card as well. It is just gross. I mean I understand maybe at the gym, it might happen, but adjust please….in the office/mall/restaurant/club it shouldn’t, I really don’t want to see your human pleats [or meat pleats as my coworker Adam referred to them once] and quite frankly they are epically more disturbing then the male manel toe or camel hoof.
3. Being a cock block: Yeah women can be cock blocks just as badly as men can. Being a cock block can get your man card revoked occasionally, I have seen it happen, and therefore I only find it fair to also revoke ones broad card in the event of a CB. The problem is female CB’s are worse…Men tend to CB when they want the female target where as women tend to CB when they are jealous of their female friend getting more attention. I guess the age old [at least my age old] saying of “don’t be a hater” best applies here…whatever your rhyme or reason cards are revoked.
4. Jean Skirts: enough said. Jean skirts are wrong, now I give a little leeway for teens, and by teens I mean anywhere in the age range of 13-15, 16-17 are more scrutinized and wearing them at 18+ is not ok. I’m sorry if you like jean skirts or if you wear them, no seriously, I’m very very sorry….for you. They’re tacky and this may be a personal preference but women [not girls] I have spoken to about the jean skirt all seem to agree. So if you’re 18+ don’t go into Hollister or wherever and purchase one of these…please.
5. Avoiding being pretty: now in a sense every woman is beautiful in their own way but not everyone is pretty. That is just a fact, I’m not trying to be bitchy but it is true. That is not your fault it is your genetics or your parents or something else you can’t control. However, there is a certain amount of effort that I feel a female should put forth in order to be pretty or at least physically amicable. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that every woman should put in some physical maintenance maybe that’s “backwards thinking” or “chauvinistic” [btw can a woman be chauvinistic?] or whatever but it’s my blog and I can say what I please. I feel being a woman kind of forces us to well….look like a woman. I am just asking for bare minimums such as proper hygiene, being well dressed, maybe makeup, some hair care is appreciated, and definitely deodorant….perfume is not necessary which then segues into ….
6. Improper use of perfume: now about 80% of women are guilty of misusing perfume. It is a god damned accent and I don’t want to smell your shitty perfume from a mile away. Be delicate about it almost. A little goes a lot further than you think, and if it doesn’t then you are buying cheap perfume which is very offensive most of the time. Don’t be those Macy’s whores that spray perfume around like it could solve world hunger once they’ve sprayed enough.
Now I really avoided using the V word, if you don’t know what I mean well you’re probably very stupid, because it’s too obvious. But what I will say is…having a V doesn’t make you a woman. Just like having a P doesn’t make you a man either. I’m not trying to get into some women’s lib argument on equality across genders and that bullshit because in my opinion looking like a woman doesn’t mean you can’t be a man’s equal.
But any who these were just off the top of my head…kind of my pet peeves when it comes to women…well not really because that would be one cluster fuck of a post. I guess I just got tired of asking my male friends to hand over their man card for being “bitches” and wanted something to use against my few and far between female friends… errrr acquaintances that is. Anyways, I hope you got a chuckle out of this and if you are a woman I hope you take away some lessons from here or you go out and revoke someone’s broad card.
Until next time!